My boy Dunkin Don’s Nutz gone too far this year.
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Is that the Virgin Mary appearing, once again, on a piece of toast? NO WAY! That’s the virus H1N1, known to all outside the medical community as SWINE FLU. Every year, my fraternity puts on a couple big philanthropic events because we care about leaving the world a little better than we left it.
You may have attended our events in the past, and we tend to outdo ourselves ever year. In 2007, we had a Save Darfur BBQ where we had a hot dog eating contest. I went KOBAYASHI on everyone!
In 2008, we teamed with PETA to hold the SAVE DA FUR Fashion Show. Not only could we use to the same poster as the year before, I got to strut my stuff like Dave Draiman from Disturbed in sweet leather pants!
This year, we are doing a boat cruise thanks to Liger’s dad who has a yacht (duh, he’s an oral surgeon). I don’t want to give away any surprises, but me and the boys will be putting on a sweet rendition of I’m On A Boat (Tex effed a mermaid!).
If that’s not reason enough to show, we’ll all be wearing masks and passing out sharpies so you can write your digits on a hottie’s face. Plus Bottle Service!!
Tickets are $25, with 60% of the proceeds (after costs) going to Swine Flu Awareness, International.
This dude is the Magneto to my Professor X. I KNOW THIS DUDE. Fortenberry from the Bama chapter. Met him at conference in Tulsa…was staying at the same Ramada.
Anywho, the guy walked around like he owned the place…tellin everybody how he’s gonna be the youngest senator in alabama state history and crap.
That night, at the Fudrucker’s mixer, I challenged this fool to go shot for shot. He balked at first, tellin me he had to be up the next morning for an early seminar called, “Let’s Hear It For The Boys; Giving Pledges the Comradery They Crave.” What he didn’t know is that I was the one proctoring the lecture.
I then pulled rank on him (since I am a senior officer in the eyes of the national fraternity) and made him tell the hot bartender that he likes smelling boys’ butts! He totally did it!
Ever since then he has envied me and what I am. He even started calling himself “J.T. Bowtie” to mock me. As Fred Durst says, “Don’t drink the Hatorade”. Exceed my tumblarity and then we’ll talk.
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Every year, me and my bros throw the hugest rager in the history of ragers. We call it Corn Maze In A Haze because we create a labrynth like in the Shining, except with a keg at every turn. Last year we went through 112 kegs, three troffs full of spiked cider, and enough weed to give String Cheese a serious case of the munchies.
The rule is, as with all of our parties, is that if you don’t hook up with a girl, you have to do the house’s laundry until the next party. I’ve been stuck with this before, and it totally sucks. The guys actually do disgusting things with their clothes just to razz you…not cool.
One way to avoid such a disaster is to bring a date who will, no doubt, at least go for a handie. I called all my go-to’s breezes and they ALL have plans. Even the Omegas, who are always cravin’ cockdogs, are busy.
That is why I’m reaching out to you to help me find someone. But, it can’t just be anyone. So, I want to what my standards are:
Dead sober (never am, but just in case):
It has to be a 10. When I’m sober, I won’t settle.
1-5 Beers (a bit buzzed, but keepin it together):
Not a dime, but at least she got her schnozz replaced with a nose.
6-9 beers (Singing Bon Jovi a capella and picking fights with ex-girlfriend’s boyfriends):
Looking like she took the walk of shame BEFORE she went out. Chain smoking and wasted, telling me to tell her that she was pretty. Low self-esteem and no bra to boot.
10+ beers (leaving crazy long voicemail messages and waking up with scars/penises drawn on my face in Sharpie):
EWWWWWWWW! Hey Marco, is that your sister? JK BRO JUST MESSIN
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The Delt of the Week goes to the biggest douchebag of the week. You do NOT want to be the Delt of the Week because it means u suck and I call u out Mencia Style.
This Week’s Delt of Week- Braylon Edwards
What an idiot. He starts a fight with Lebrons friend?? I remember when i saw LBJ play in highschool on espn and said to my buddy Trent “That guy is going to be good” - totally called it. im a great evaluator of talent always have been. ne ways Braylon Edwards is the Delt of the Week for messing with Lebron- hes boys with jay z.
This blog has been around for like…two minutes…and it already has a tumblarity of 22. I don’t know what tumblarity is, but a score of 22 must be EPIC.
Thanks to Kendall A.K.A. Lionheart, my brother from the Penn St. Chapter, for the shoutout on thisistheglamorous.com
Lionheart, you are the reciever of the coveted SILVER BEER STEIN for your all around awesomenesss.
p.s.- really sorry about pissing on your couch.
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Needless to say, summer 09 was the shiznit. Pretty much partied like a rock star every minute of every day. Sometimes I wonder how i’m still alive.
9. Life guarded for the 3rd summer in a row and it’s true what they say, getting tan is the ultimate afrodesiac. I seriously got a solid base down…looked great in all my fbook pics. Too bad I had to give that old dood swimming laps CPR. Almost let him die lol (but really, i take my certification seriously).
8. Livin at home. Yeah, i know it sounds weird, but it was a blast. Me and my dad spent HOURS trying to beat donkey kong kuntry. That gator pirate is freakin hard! Maybe next summer!
7. Got to vegas for the first time and got to compete in the World Series of Poker. Got to play at the table next to Annie Duke’s table and was at the pisser next to the lead singer from GODSMACK. The tourney was fun until I got rivered by a donkey. I had q 7 and he had kings Flop comes q-5-7. He’s totally trapped. I checked. he raised to $800. I go, “I’m all in”. He calls. turn 10, river F***ing KING! Soo lucky. But, as the 1st person out of the tourney I got to do some interviews so that was cool.
6. I totally fell for this girl Becky who was a trainer at all hours fitness. She had these amazingly defined obliques…Anyway, I got crazy vibes from her, so the time came for me to throw it out there. Ends up… SHE’S INTO GIRLS!! How awesome is that???!!? I just about dropped on one knee right there!
5. Dave. Alpine Valley. Soft rain during Ants Marching encore. Nuff said.
4. Alright, as you guys know, I took my lil sis to see Lady Gaga. I would have never done it, but my parents threatened to not pay their half of the tuition if I didn’t and it was her birthday…anyway, this gaga chick is HOT. She’s always coming out in these crazy space suit costumes with knee high boots…She totally gained my respect as a performer.
3. July 4th rager at Hannigan’s. Dude bumps up against me shoulder spilling my drink on my new jeans. Stayed calm. Told him he’s got 5 seconds to apologize before he makes the biggest mistake of his life. He says some words not worth repeating. So me and my boys wait until last call and he stumbles out to his car. Then we sneak a peek at his plates as he swerves off and call the cops! Oh man I bet he got a wicked DUI. DONT MESS Wit DA BEST.
2. First party at the house back at school. I was on the recruiting committee and got tons of freshman girls to show up. 1st weekend away from their parents, let’s just say they were ready to get crazy.
At about 11 o’clock, I walk down in aviators, a cowboy hat, and hanes boxer briefs. That’s it. I run into the kitchen yelling “Who wants to ride the pony?” Party goes nuts. then I proceed to break the 12 year keg stand record, all while using 1 arm to flick off the camera. I became an instant legend on the national fraternity message boards and am now tutoring freshmen nightly on the right guzzling techniques!
1. Saw Inglorious Basterds 6 times.
OMG have you seen this? ? If not, seriously. stop what you are doing and watch this.
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